Yet another Oscar season came and went! I wonder why they always ignore the best of the best.
This post is inspired by the most brilliant moments in the celluloid history of planet Earth. It is a humble tribute to all those wonderful men and women who treated our senses with wonderful works of motion picture arts and sciences.
I feel eternally indebted to those wonderful geniuses (Ramsay Bros., e.g.). People who provided us with visual treats like ‘Pyasi Chudail’, ‘Veerana’, 'Do Gaz Zameen Ke Neechey', 'Darwaza', 'Hotel' and 'Purana Mandir', to name some of best movies ever made by mankind.
Here is another script, which, I am sure will be the next big thing in World Cinema. Oscars, here I come!
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Purani Haveli Ka Vahashi Bhoot (The Horny Ghost @ the Castle)
Scene 1.
A group of friends go ‘trekking’ to the great jungle on a Mahindra Scorpio. The group has five members, as usual, there are 2 gals the 3 guys. They have a good time which lasts 10 minutes. And then, the trouble starts.
The SUV breaks down at the strategic location, near an old haveli. [One could never figure out how come there are always a few havelis in middle of the jungle? But that is a different quest.]
Suddenly there is a thunderstorm; the hotter babe of the two babes is scared. The studdest guy among the three studs goes looking for accommodation for the night. He goes and checks out the haveli. The haveli has a chawkidar. [No one could figure out why the abandoned havelis in the middle of the jungle need a chawkidar.]
The chawkidar is, as usual, called Ramlal. Ramlal has a daughter, Chameli, who giggles all the time. When she is not singing on the swing, that is.
They get into the haveli and the 3rd guy in the group is happy to see that the haveli has a very well stocked bar. He pours himself a few drinks and gets drunk promptly.
The 1st hot babe decides to take a bath. She makes a hell lot of froth in the bath tub. [Again, no one could figure out where they get a tap water supply and Head&Shoulder shampoos in the abandoned haveli in the middle of the jungle.]
She sings to herself and enters the bath tub.
Enter the bhoot!
The horrible looking bhoot has a hot round of sex with the hot babe and disappears. The hot babe thinks she had a (bad/good?) dream.
Scene 2.
Next morning, the group has a good time frolicking around in the jungle. The 3rd guy, as usual, is the funny guy in the group. He cracks silly SMS jokes all the time. They sing a happy song.
The 2nd guy does not pay much attention to the 2nd girl. This pisses off the 2nd girl. On top of that, he has been ogling at Chameli, who is very coy with the male attention.
The 2nd guy and Chameli promptly fall in love and before they realize, they have sex in the middle of the jungle. Chameli is ashamed of her ‘paap’. She says that sex, outside of marriage; is also known as paap. The 2nd guy is pleased to learn another synonym. He is jacked now.
Scene 3
That night Chameli informs the 2nd guy that she is pregnant. Boy that was quick! [One wonders how virile these film guys are. Also, one wonders if those are human babies or some kind of mayflies waiting to be born every 30 seconds.] The 2nd guy is double jacked.
That night, he drinks with the 3rd guy who is already running his 12th Patiala. The 2nd guy too gets drunk real quick, and decides to go pee under the wide open sky.
Peeing under the tree, he sees Chameli, singing a very sad song and walking around the bushes. He follows her. She turns around, smiles and disappears. The 2nd guy thinks that is an illusion.
Enter the bhoot.
The bhoot scares the 2nd guy with a break-dance routine. The 2rd guy is horror struck, but somehow manages to run back to the haveli.
Scene 4.
The 1st guy and the 1st babe are doing what they would want to do all the time. Another hot round of sex later, she decides to take yet another bath in the bath tub.
The bhoot appears one more time.
This time, the 1st babe understands what happened last night was not a dream at all. She screams.
The 1st guy enters and watches the bhoot doing a Samba. He and she was shit scared.
They go and talk to Ramlal. Ramlal says that there is an old temple near the haveli where lives a wise pujari who knows the secret of killing the bhoot.
Scene 5.
The pujari at the temple tells them a story of a mating Nag and Nagin who where killed by the original owners of the haveli some 1000 years ago.
The Nag became the sexually frustrated bhoot. There is a catch here; he needs to be killed while having sex, with a special trishool made of plywood.
They plan to invoke the lust in the bhoot.
The 3rd guy who is perpetually drunk is given 6 more vodka shots and made to dress like a horny babe and hang around the bathroom. Everyone knows that bhoots like to hang around bathrooms, like animals hanging around waterholes.
Enter the bhoot. But this time he is trapped!
Burning with desire, the bhoot does another round of reggae movements and pounces at the hot babe, who is actually the drunk 3rd guy.
The 1st guy is smart enough to throw the plywood trishool at the bhoot. Aaargh!
The bhoot quickly finds out that he has been fooled. Worse still, the bhoot is pissed because he thinks his sexual orientations have been misunderstood. Sick! Apamaan, ghor Apamaan!
The bhoot attacks the gang.
The 1st guy, who is actually the hero of the story, does a WWE style wrestling with the wounded bhoot. But the bhoot is stronger than he had assumed. The 1st babe is embarrassed to watch his stud getting his butt kicked periodically by the horny bhoot. She can’t take it anymore; after all, the 1st guy is her hero.
She picks up the trishool one more time, and pierces it in the bhoot’s heart.
This time she got it right! The bhoot promptly departs as the background music plays been music which nags and nagins are so fond of.
Scene 6.
Next morning, they all wake up fresh and nice and drive into the sunrise. Chameli is so coy in the Scoripio, sitting next the 2nd guy.
A misty-eyed Ramlal waves them goodbye.
Image Courtesy: The poster of ‘Pyasi Chudail’; one of the best horror movies ever!
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Purani Haveli Ka Vahashi Bhoot